The pursuit of Lonelyness
Time to time we feel lonely. Joining a new institution, moving abroad for work and education, missing friends on weekends may make us feel lonely which is quite normal and natural. The problem arises when, this loneliness becomes chronic, which is happening these days. Despite living in the most connected times of human history, we are also facing the loneliest feeling ever. Loneliness is more lethal than diabetes and can be compared to smoking a pack of cigarettes each day.
Being alone and being lonely are two different subjects. You can be alone and busy cooking or reading — blessed with your own presence. Contrary to which you might be surrounded by your friends and hate every second of it. Loneliness is purely subjected to an individual. If you feel lonely, you are lonely. You don’t need a big group to be socially active, just one person can prove to be more than enough.
The age-old baseless stereotype says that “the more introvert you are, the lonelier you will be.” You may be rich, powerful, beautiful, charming or have great social skills. Unfortunately, in spite of having such great qualities, you still have equally likely chances of feeling lonely as a drug addict do. Being an introvert, I personally feel that I have a lot of ways to enjoy my own company which gives me an upper hand over the party animals looking for people all around.
Longing for social acceptance dates back to primitive times. I was critical to stay in groups for survival. As we evolved this fear of loneliness kept growing and as it is in our genes we relate loneliness to getting separated from life. Early humans were afraid to get rejected from the groups. The most dangerous threat to survival was not wild animals or hunger but the fear of getting rejected from the inclusion in the group. This is the reason why any kind of rejection hurts so much. To counter such scenarios our bodies came up with social pain of loneliness so that we look for solutions to get accepted. The more painful rejection is, the more change of behaviour can be seen inculcated by the individual just to get accepted. We can relate this to hunger, which occurs to fulfil the physical requirements of our body. Similarly, the sense of loneliness is the social need of our system.
Industrialization and Urbanisation are promoters of loneliness. There used to be villages where people lived and worked together on fields. Acres of fields were replaced by 4'x4' cubicles and villages are being replaced by 2BHK apartments. People are drifting away from each other in order to get education and employment. Today, technology has connected the world in the most advanced way ever but many of us still don’t know about our neighbours. I remember how my parents mention about their group of childhood friends. A group of 5–6 members which is reduced to about 2 to 3 only. After getting into college I realized how difficult it became to socialize and make friends in adulthood. We don’t choose loneliness ourselves, most people stumble into loneliness by accident. People get busy with work, university, romantic partner and smartphone. We are forcing us to get busy with everything around the cost of spending time with friends. Loneliness isn’t a sudden reaction, gradually you yourself build it till the day you feel lonely and isolated.
The Solution
The first thing you can do in such a situation is to accept your feeling your loneliness. It is completely normal to feel normal as everyone does in their own way at some point in time. We long for people to have a feeling of inclusion, acceptance, and appreciation.
Look for the vicious trap you are in. Are you skipping calls from your friends? Declining all invitations? Let them approach you and give them time else the calls and invitations will eventually vanish. Loneliness is a creeping process. It takes time for you to be completely lonely and depressed. Unfortunately and gratefully, most of us are in the process of it. Just watch out on your self made disconnections and take time for yourself to be with your people. Because after all love and care are all we desire for.
