Helping to Heal — Sexual Abuse
Why didn’t you stop him? Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why didn’t you complain?
Bullshit! Someone has already been through the trauma and this thing might have been following them for years and when it is your turn to help them recover, you start blaming them? Giving them options they have chosen to avoid being sexually abused is like crying over the spilled milk which is not even their.
Many sexually abused people were very young when it happened to them. In such an age something like this can do great damage and create a sort of phobia in them. You can’t tell from outside about the reason but from deep inside they know it. 50% more children are abused than adults and these children are abused mostly by their knowns. Even if they tell at that time, their mouths are often shut down and are forced to keep this to themselves. Hiding such incident make them feel guilty and they often develop a sense of hatred for themselves. They blame the circumstance, they blame their inability to resist, they blame the person and most, unfortunately, they blame themselves.
They have already suffered more than anyone can imagine and this is the where they want acceptance and someone to listen to them. They might have been struggling within themselves for decades blaming themselves for the damage that has happened. It is not the time to blame them for things they haven’t done, rather a chance for you to help them to come out of this phase. They don’t want to know what could have been done, what they want is what should be done now? You now know how not to console them, Here is how to.
Someone who has been sexually abused is broken from inside. Chances are that their confession may not be instant but after a constant denial for years. They came this far with all the courage to reveal what happened to them which broke them into pieces. They don’t need your advice, neither they need your sympathy. You and I can’t really decide what they need. What you should do in such cases is to listen.
LISTEN
Listen to the sufferer as they tell their story. Do not interrupt, do not intervene, stay quiet and just listen. They have a lot to say they always wanted to, so let them. The voices in their head haunted them almost every day, so when they are about to open themselves, do consider and pay attention. The ghosts of the past, the demons of the future, should be flushed out at once. After listening and knowing the whole story don’t just ask them to forget the past instead…
APPRECIATE
Appreciate and congratulate them for being brave enough to be able to bring the truth to light. Don’t even dare to tell them to forget everything and move on. That is the most common yet useless statement. How can someone forget such thing in one go? You listened to them and now it’s time to make them feel that speaking about it is the best move. People often ask survivors not to talk about it much and warn them that people will judge. They also advise that thinking about it as little they can. These people need to understand that keeping things to themselves will make them burst one day. Memories like these need to be excreted. Do make them feel better after such confessions.
MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL
No! You don’t have to overdo it. It is a very personal thing to them and they won’t just discuss such with anyone like that. You are special to them. Tell them how much you love them, tell them that they are safe now. Make them feel warm or just hug them. Don’t compare your views earlier and after about them. Act normal and stay the same as you were before. Let them speak more if they want to. Their flaws make them more beautiful, tell them not to hide them or feel ashamed of just like kintsugi. Kintsugi is a Japanese technique where broken pots and bowls are mended with gold making them more beautiful. It’s obviously their past but is a part of their life. They should and want to accept this truth in life and live with it. They just want someone to understand them truly without being judgemental.
It’s their day and they have just overcome their life long fear. Tell them how brave and pure they still are. Try not to pick this topic yourself in future and if they do then don’t hesitate to discuss. They are as fragile as a child, do handle them with care.
